The Best Date of My Life
by flobberworm93
Summary: Season 7 spoilers  A fun little one-shot that will cease to be canon when Baby Eriksen is born, so read it now!  K  for some mild language.


Voice-over Ted: Kids, I'm about to tell you about one of the best dates of my life. Now before I do, there are two things you need to know. First, your Aunt Lily was pregnant at the time, and due any day now. And second, this girl was hot. I mean really, really hot. Kids, I cannot stress enough the attractiveness of this woman. And believe it or not, we hit it off right away. Because she was also smart…

Girl: If I had to name my top five British novelists…

VOT: And sweet…

Girl: So I volunteer at a homeless shelter on Sundays…

VOT: And fun…

Girl: Hey, I bet you can't shoot a straw wrapper onto that table over there.

VOT: And halfway through dinner, she said one little thing that pretty much sealed the deal….

Girl: I'll admit to crying like a baby when that Ewok got shot down in Return of the Jedi.

Ted (agreeing enthusiastically): And his friend nudged him…

Girl: But he wouldn't wake up!

Ted (barely able to speak): I know.

VOT: And then…this happened.

_Ted's phone rings_

Ted: I'm sorry, I need to get this. _Answers_ Hey, I'm kind of busy right now, is it important….Oh, my God, right now?...Okay, awesome, well…wow…okay, where are you headed?...Well, I should hope the hospital, I meant which one?...Uh-huh…Is there anything I can do, anything I can bring…Okay, you know what? Tell Lily I'll do her one better, I'll find her a chocolate bar that weighs _more_ than the baby…_Delicious_, I know! I'll get another one…Okay, buddy, see you there.

Girl: Who was that?

Ted: My best friend; they're having a baby, can you believe it? Listen, I'm really sorry, I know the timing's bad, but—

_Scene freezes_

Now there are only two ways that this date could have ended. It could have gone like this:

Ted: Listen, I'm really sorry, I know the timing's bad, but—

Girl: Seriously?

Ted: Sorry?

Girl: I spent forever getting ready for this date. I got my hair done. I…I called my mom, I told her you were cute, and I couldn't wait to see you, and you're going to ditch me halfway through dinner? For someone's baby who's not even related to you, and who won't be born for another however many hours—

Ted: These guys are basically family, I've known them half my life, you have to—

Girl: You know we could finish dinner, you could take me home, heck, you could come upstairs for a couple of hours, and still make it in time to see the dumb bastard born.

Ted: Listen, I'm sorry, but I'm—

Girl: Jackass. _Get up and storms out._

_Scene freezes_

Or it could have gone like this:

_Scene resets_

Ted: Listen, I'm really sorry, I know the timing's bad but—

Girl: Seriously? Ted, go!

Ted: So you understand?

Girl: It's your best friend's baby and they want you there! If your excuse for not showing up was 'She was hot', most women would punch you in the face. Heck, I'd punch you in the face.

Ted: Well, can I make it up to you? Next week?

Girl: Same time, same place?

Ted: Works for me. _ At this point, he's already halfway out the door._

Girl: Hey, Ted!

Ted: Yeah?

Girl: Biggest chocolate bar I've ever seen happens to be at a little shop 2 blocks that way (pointing). On the corner, yellow door.

Ted: Thanks.

Girl: Oh, and bring pictures next time. I love babies.

_Ted smiles. He looks kind of adorable._

Girl: In fact, I can't wait to get married and have two of my own, a boy and a girl…

_Scene freezes._

VOT: Yeah, it was the first one.

Girl: Jackass. _Gets up and storms out_

VOT: Kids, you know how I've done a lot of really stupid things in my life? Well, guess what? This wasn't one of them. I never saw the girl again. In fact, I don't remember her real name. Now we just call her by the name your Aunt Lily gave her: Soulless Baby-Hating Bitch.

But I'll tell you why that was still one of the best dates of my life. Because on the way to the hospital I got to thinking,

_Cut to Ted in the back of a cab. We see these thoughts going through his head._

"Damn it, that girl was awesome!" And then I realized, damn it, that girl was awesome! She was so awesome, in fact, that I could have easily seen right past the fact that we didn't value the same things. And if the timing had been different, it might have taken me months to realize that she was, well, a soulless, baby-hating bitch. But instead, I ditched Baby-Hater for good and met Lily and Marshall at the hospital. And a couple hours later, I met—well, now I'm getting ahead of myself.


End file.
